Thoughts into words.
This is for me, and I need help. I need to put my thoughts into words to make things clear, as fucked up as I've made things as it is now, I want to make things right again, it's the 3rd time I've said it, but nothing has been done. Time to change.
Characters:
Girl
Guy
Me
Continuation from Girl is with Guy. After 13th Feb.
Happiest day of my life, confronted Girl and told her that I was into her, but she was already with Guy, Girl told that she had thoughts about us together, but Girl felt that I was treating her only as a friend. I was late.. Girl has commitments, didn't need her to tell me that. Ironic eh? Found out that Girl is with Guy and yet happiest day of my life.
Thought that I could handle things, being best of friends, Girl told me Girl's friend proposed 3 times but was turned down but they remained best of friends. Thought that I could do the same, so I decided to wait, no matter how long it would take, no matter how painful it would get, no matter whatever, I would wait.
Saw girl the day school re-opened, broad smile on my face, she smiled back. That's all I needed I thought, she smiling. As long as she smiles back there's nothing I couldn't face. I was wrong.
Fast forward a week and pain starts to set in.. didn't get to talk to Girl much, didn't get to see Girl much. Couldn't bear watching Girl having fun with Guy. Whenever they were around I excused myself. Friend was having a though time trying his luck with Girl's friend (Target). He was in the dumps. So was I. Friend was jealous because Target was always around with another guy. Friend told Target about this, confessed to Target multiple times, rejected but remained as friends. Friend said something stupid, said that he wanted to end this. Friend told Girl about it, Target found out and wasn't happy.
I told Girl about Friend's situation, Girl said that Friend shouldn't be jealous because Friend isn't anyone to Target. I disagree, I told Girl that you don't have to have a special relationship to get the right to feel jealous. With courage I told Girl, "What if I told you that I feel the same with you and Guy?". Didn't say anything after that, wasn't sure if she heard it anyways.
Things started to go downhill from here, things were awkward, we couldn't find anything to talk about. Felt that she started to distant, I let things slide. Knuckles hurt from wall punching, frequent breakdowns, enter the worst phase of my life.
Study week came, and things remained almost the same. Never got to see Girl much.. the only time I get to see Girl was watching Girl and Guy with their "group study". Started to meet Girl less and less, cause Girl was always with Guy and if they were together chances are I won't be around. The thought of Girl didn't care crept in. This is when I started avoiding Girl, whether Guy was around or not.
This is how we've always been I told myself, ever since Girl met Guy. We would be friends whenever Guy wasn't around, Girl would smile back at me whenever Guy was around, that is as much as a response I would get whenever Guy was around. Strangers that meet too often I told myself. Smile wasn't enough anymore. It degraded to talking whenever she needed something otherwise we were silent, it made me think that I was used.
I know that Girl isn't the kind of person, but I couldn't help thinking about it. It was the only way I could find any excuse to allow myself to hate and avoid Girl. The week passed on and we're back home again. Things were the same, never heard a word from her. We were back in uni preparing for our trip to leave for Shanghai, I avoided at every occasion.
2 days before departure she approached me and talked to me. It was 4th week of silence. After that Girl SMS-ed me that I told her before that I'd be best of friends, Girl wished that it was so. I laughed, best of friends? only after 4 weeks? BULLSHIT. Despite all this, I wanted things to be normal again. I thought, you'll suffer with or without her around, might as well be with her. I wanted to make things right, I told her that I'd tell her about things in Shanghai.
Never happened. I didn't have the courage to go up to her and talk. Didn't know why. Girl was around Guy anyway, and I had to be away.
Fast forward 1 week after trip. Went to her place and put the CDs containing the trip's pictures in her mailbox at 12am cause she asked for the pictures. Didn't tell her that I was going. Then went down to Malacca to tour a little, came back at 4am. Don't know why I did it.
Just yesterday, Girl came on MSN. I ask how she was doing. Girl replied. Girl then asked me when I went to her place and why I didn't tell her so. I didn't answer her question. Girl said "still fren?", I told her I didn't know where to put us, cause it is really hard to be her friend. Hard in the sense that I still have feelings for her. Girl understood in that sense. Girl said that she worked hard for this friendship, I didn't say anything. Girl said that she doesn't feel good with things like, said that she didn't like the gap that we have. I told her I'm going to have lunch and left. When I came back I saw this "no matter v r still frens anot but u r stil my fren..."
I went soft.
Now.. there are alot of things that I want to say, but I don't know if I should. Like how she has changed from free spirit to boyfriend obsessed, Girl told me before that she didn't like boyfriend to cling around her, of course she doesn't. Cause if boyfriend could find time to cling to her instead of her clinging to him, I'd be suprised.
Her concept of best of friends, friends are totally screwed. How she manage to not feel good and have a wonderful time with boyfriend at the same time. How she manage not to notice the GAP between us until now. How she manage to think that we were best of friends at any point of our relationship after she met Guy. How in the hell she worked hard for our friendship and.. and.. 6 weeks of silence?
If you think that I'm starting to hate her, I do. But I also cannot let go of my feelings, don't get me wrong, it's not that I do not want to, but I cannot. Despite of what she has done, despite of the 6 weeks of silence, I still ache when I think of Girl and Guy, I can't even face it when both of them are online at the same time.
How should I do this? Should I even go ahead with this?
